Lesson #1: Pedophiles Confess Sins & Reveal Secrets
I never thought for a minute that I’d shoot out of the starting gate with such a sensitive and serious topic. But when I saw the Oprah show on Monday, February 8th, I just couldn’t walk by something so dear to my heart and so essential to the safety of all children. 
Oprah had pedophiles confess their sins and reveal their secrets. It was riveting and eye opening. One described how he got away with raping young teenage girls by telling them he loved them. Another molested a five year old while endearing her with “grandfatherly” love. A third told how he couldn’t stop touching his daughter while she slept, even after she asked him to. And another candidly described how as a pre-teen boy he began to manipulate an emotionally starved child and molest her – first by looking, and then by touching, and then by raping her, from the time she was little until she was seventeen years old.
Two of the children found the courage to tell, but when confronted, both molesters denied the accusations and explained away the child’s “confusion”. Shockingly, in both cases, even after being so close to getting caught, the abuse continued – with what appeared to be renewed vigilance and heightened confidence. When asked, all agreed they would never have stopped.
I know how their victims felt, because I was one of those children. Many years later, after the supressed memories surfaced and I found a way to heal, I wanted to make a difference and began volunteering at Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh Child Advocacy. There I met hundreds of kids whose lives, like mine, were forever altered. But no matter what I endured or how many kids I encountered, nothing could have prepared me for the day a ten year old boy entered for his forensic interview. What made his story so much more tragic was that, this time, he wasn’t the victim. Having been sexually abused for years, he lashed out, raping his five year old sister.
That day I realized, for me, volunteering came much too late. That day I set out to find a more effective education, prevention, and intervention tool, and my book, Kids Helping Kids Break the Silence of Sexual Abuse, was born.
I have traveled the country, sharing my story, speaking about my book, and the many things I have learned about predators, child sexual abuse, and recovery. Here is some basic information all parents need to know, and a few easy tips to assure that your child won’t have to endure the same “hard knocks” lesson I did.
A sexual predator can be anyone, male or female. Usually it’s someone who has exposure to children, a teacher, minister, coach, youth leader, group leader, babysitter, trusted friend, neighbor, but often it’s a family member. So although substance abuse does increase the risks, sexual abuse crosses all socio-economic, racial, and religious lines. And 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 7 boys will be molested. That’s an alarming statistic.
Because sexual abuse is a crime of manipulation and intimacy, the “Stranger Dangers” we teach our children don’t apply. Pedophiles know their victims. They have opportunity to be alone with a child, and slowly and methodically, over time, develop the child’s trust. (Sometimes a pedophile even garners the trust of the child’s parent.) And when the opportunity arises, when the pedophile is alone with the child he doesn’t hesitate. Would your child know what to do? Do you?
- Watch out Anytime anyone refuses to let a child set his/her own limits
- Anytime anyone insists on hugging, touching, kissing, tickling, wrestling with a child, particularly if the child doesn’t want this affection
- Anytime anyone is overly interested in the sexuality of a child or teen
- Anytime anyone spends a lot of time alone or insists on time alone with a child
- Anytime anyone spends most of his/her spare time with kids
- Anytime anyone has little interest in spending time with people his/her own age
- Anytime anyone regularly offers to babysit for free
- Anytime anyone regularly buys a child gifts, or give them money for no particular reason
- Anytime anyone takes a child special places, particularly overnight
- Anytime anyone walks in on kids/teens in the bathroom
- Anytime anyone allows kids/teens to get away with inappropriate or “adult only” activities
- Always MAKE TIME for your children, read to them, play with them, talk to them.
- HUG YOUR CHILDREN but NEVER force them to hug or kiss you or anyone else.
- Tell them you LOVE them OFTEN.
- SHOW your child he/she is important to you.
- LISTEN to your child.
- BE INVOLVED with your children’s friends. Know who they play with, what they like to do, where they play, who’s around when they are playing.
- PARTICIPATE in school and after school activities. Know the adults responsible for organizing these activities.
- Randomly CHECK-IN, unannounced, on sitters and other adults involved with your kids.
- KEEP AN EYE ON INTERNET ACTIVITY. The Internet is a DANGEROUS PLACE. Children are easily lured by strangers on the net.
- PAY ATTENTION to changes in behavior – it’s an easy way for children to signal that something isn’t right and it’s more likely that your child will SHOW you something is wrong rather than tell you.
- NEVER ASSUME your child is fine. Ask him or her OFTEN and LISTEN.
- The difference between safe and unsafe touches.
- That sexual abusers can be women or men, boys or girls.
- That sexual abuse can be touching or non-touching, watching a movie, looking at pictures, or taking pictures of your child.
- That sexual abuse happens to boys and girl
- That sexual abuse does not have to hurt.
- That sexual abusers trick and force children into sexual activity.
- That sexual abusers say lots of things to silence children – they might even say I love you.
- The proper names for all body parts, so they will be able to communicate clearly.
- Their body belongs only to them and nobody has the right to touch or hurt them – EVER.
- Safety Rules apply to all adults and children, not just strangers.
- It’s okay to say “no” to requests that make them feel uncomfortable.
- A safety plan they can easily follow.
- To report to you if anyone asks them to keep a secret.
- Show your children that you will believe and protect them if they tell you about abuse.
- They are not bad and they will NEVER be blamed for sexual abuse.
- Teach Your Children that sexual abuse is NEVER the child’s fault.
I hope this article has helped you and I hope you will pass it along to everyone you know who has, cares about, or works with kids. Together we can make it a safer world for all children.
For more information send me a comment or click on the topic of interest. What Sexual Abuse Is, What To Do If You Suspect Abuse, or Warning Signs to Watch For
Click here to get a copy of Kids Helping Kids Break the Silence of Sexual Abuse and let the true stories of child survivors help you teach your child how to stay safe.
Hard Knocks & High Heels
This blog came to me, as most inspiration does, in the middle of the night. Although the name might make you wonder if it’s being shared by two people with extreme personalities. It’s just me, and of course, all of you. And if the title speaks to you then we’re probably not at all polar. Although maybe I should have named it High Heels and Hard Knocks because my heels have been on long before any of the lessons were learned.
At 5’ tall (okay, I’m really only 4’11½”) except for my walking shoes which remain as bright-white and scuff free as the day I pulled them from the box, and the Uggs^ my daughter bought me because I wasn’t safe in the snow or fashionable, every one of the 36 pair of shoes neatly stacked, and not so neatly tossed in my closet (no I didn’t count, I’m guessing) all have heels. And I don’t mean wimpy grandma-heels either. My shoes are often pointy, sometimes with platforms, but always atop four or five inch spikes. Many have warned that someday those crazy heels will cripple my toes, weaken my legs and put undo stress on my back, but since I need them to reach things like my coffee cup on the second shelf of the kitchen cabinet, I’ve decided to take my chances.
Most growth doesn’t come from a text book or a classroom. As you’ve probably already guessed, mine definitely hasn’t. In fact I never finished college and flunked every creative writing course I ever took. Still somehow I’ve managed a successful career, raised four accomplished kids (all with college degrees), published a book, and now I’m hard at work on a second manuscript, Making Sense of the Madness, a Memoir about a brief but thorny episode I’m hoping to learn from and never again repeat. (Imagine that!) I owe my writing achievements, to the cruel college professor who once said, “You’ll never publish anything,” which, of course, made me determined to prove her wrong. Has anyone ever motivated you by insisting you were incapable?
Like the day that teacher tried to squash my writing dreams, which felt more like I had just stepped, without looking, into oncoming traffic (or had been pushed), all my wisdom and maturity seems to have come when I was least expecting it, overly focused on myself, or simply not paying attention to the big stuff. And like that painful day when I trudged home with my first failing grade and the feeling of hopelessness tucked securely under my arm, the benefits have always arrived in the aftermath of brush burns, bruises, and lots and lots and lots of tears.
I’ve had to endure many difficult and sometimes painful experiences to grow into the stronger, wiser, more compassionate person I’ve become. And I suppose it’s going to take a lot more ice packs and aspirin before I become the person I really want to be (or give any consideration to trashing those heels). Oh well, more to write about.
In the meantime, as I nervously await all that anticipated emotional growth, I thought maybe I could share some of the triumphs, tragedies, and valuable payoffs I’ve already discovered the hard knocks way – yes, all while wearing those spiked high heels. And maybe that would help you avoid making some of my mistakes.
But more than that, I was hoping you’d share some of your life lessons and help me avoid making your mistakes, too – even if you didn’t learn through hard knocks, even if you don’t own a single pair of high heels!
So please, no matter what’s on your feet, tell me about the time you were told you weren’t good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, and how it motivated you. Or tell me about another life lesson you’ve learned.
High Heels Varnish black Originally uploaded by Markusram
