Archive for the ‘Living’ Category
Lesson 11: Spring Always Comes
It’s spring now!
Originally uploaded by manganite
No matter how cold the season,
How deep the snow,
How long the winter,
Spring always comes.
No matter what you’re going through,
No matter How Rough,
No matter How Long,
Hold on…
The tulips will bloom,
The birds will return,
The sun will again shine,
Spring Alway Comes!
Lesson 10: Child Sexual Abuse: What it is and What to do if you suspect
What is Sexual Abuse:
Sexual abuse happens anytime a child is asked, tricked, or forced by someone who is bigger, stronger, or older, or by someone who has some power over him/her. The abuser will want the child to do “secret” non-touching or “secret” touching activities that involve the child’s private parts, the abuser’s private parts, or the private parts of someone else.
The child will often feel the urge to tell, but he or she knows it’s a secret – not a fun secret that makes him/her happy and excited to keep. It’s a scary secret, one the child is afraid to tell, one that gives the child that funny feeling, like butterflies, in his or her stomach.
And although most people automatically think of abuse as “touching”, which it is, there are also “non-touching” forms of sexual abuse, too.
Non-Touching Sexual Abuse
Non-touching behavior occurs anytime someone shows a child movies, pictures or Internet sites with pornography. It also happens if someone exposes his/her private body parts to a child.
Non-touching behaviors also occur if someone asks a child to pose for a picture without clothes or in a sexual way that makes a child feel uncomfortable, or if someone takes a child’s picture while he or she is doing something sexual or using the bathroom. The abuser might encourage the child to watch or listen to people who are engaging in sexual acts. Or an abuser might want to watch the child undress or bathe.
Sexual harassment is also a form of sexual abuse. Someone might tease a child or cause the child to have uncomfortable feelings about his/her body or certain clothes, or the abuser might call a child bad names like ho, slut, bitch, or fag. The child might be scared to tell on the bully, or the child might want the abuser to think he or she can “take it.”
Touching Sexual Abuse
Sexually abusive touching behaviors happen when someone touches the private parts of a child’s body, over or under his/her clothes or makes the child touch their body. It also happens if an abuser put any part of his/her body on or in any part of a child’s body. The abuser might use their fingers, tongue or their private parts. Another form of touching sexual abuse occurs if someone puts any foreign object into a child’s body, like soap or the handle of a hairbrush, or crayons.
And any time someone is forced to have sexual intercourse, whether the person is an acquaintance or not, even if it was a consensual date, that’s rape. Rape also happens if the ability to say “NO” has been taken away because a person is unconscious or drugged. If a Date Rape Drug is slipped into a drink, that person will not know what’s happening. He or she will not be able to protect him/herself, and will not be able to say “NO” to unwanted sexual advances. That’s rape.
If you are Unsure or If You Suspect Abuse:
- Keep calm. Never panic or overreact.
- Believe the child. Never doubt the child.
- Reassure the child. Never blame the child.
- Listen to and answer the child’s questions honestly.
- Never pressure the child to talk or avoid talking about the abuse.
- Respect the child’s privacy. Never discuss the abuse in front of unnecessary people.
- Never confront the offender.
- Report the abuse immediately.
To Report Child Sexual Abuse
Call your local police, Child Protective Services, Child Advocacy Center, or Sexual Assault Crisis Center.
For the center closest to you, call:
The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)
800-656-4673
The National Child Abuse Hotline
800-422-4453
The National Victim Center
800-394-2255
In the greater Pittsburgh, PA area, call:
Pittsburgh Action Against Rape
19th Street
Pittsburgh, PA 15203
866-END-RAPE (1-866-363-7273)
412-431-5665
www.PAAR.net
Center for Victims of Violent Crime
900 Fifth Avenue
Pittsburgh, PA 15222
www.cvvc.org
Family Resources of Pittsburgh
South Highland Avenue
Pittsburgh, PA
Main Number: 412-363-1702
Parenting WARMLINE Numbers:
Within Allegheny County: 412-641-4546 or 1-877-WARMLYN
Outside Allegheny County: 800-641-4546
Parenting WARMLINE email: warmline@familyresourcesofpa.org
Originally uploaded by Beche-la-mer
Uploaded by Beche-la-mer on 23 Apr 07, 3.31AM PDT.
Lesson #8: Moving Made Manageable!
You’ve bought a new house or found a new apartment. 
How exciting, but don’t under estimate the amount of work and extreme stress you are about to face.
I’ve had the great pleasure of moving 9 times in 10 years, or was it 10 times in 9 years? Either way it’s a bit of a blur (not that I’m complaining). Married to a builder, I’ve learned these 10 essential moving tricks to survive this unavoidable industry hazard. Maybe they can help you survive your upcoming move, too!
1. Get started the minute you know you’re moving. It takes more time to organize, clean out, and pack than you think. So don’t waste one valuable second – get started now! Take the number of rooms divided by the number of weeks until the big day. That’s how many rooms you have to pack each week.
2. Know the terms and conditions of your lease or Sales Agreement. Be sure you meet all move-out requirements. If you’re renting, understand what you need to do to get your security deposit refunded. Most leases require a tenant vacate by 5:00 pm on the last day of the lease. When selling a home, unless other arrangements have been previously made, the owner is expected to turn over the keys at the time of settlement, so plan to be out of your property at that time. In addition, many leases and some contracts for sale require professional carpet and/or professional household cleaning to be performed when you vacate the premises. Since the new person is probably moving in the day after you move out, there’s little room for error. So schedule any required cleaning now.
3. Get organized and Stay Organized: Sort through that pile you’ve been meaning to get to, organize and put everything away, clothing, shoes, toys (make sure you have all the pieces), and you’ll even need to find the matching lids for all that Tupperware. If you have too much to fit into that toy box or the closet or drawer you’ve designated, or if any of the pieces are missing, guess what? You got it, go to step 4.
4. Give Away, Throw Away, Sell anything you don’t need, or can’t fit comfortably in the new place. In addition, if something is broken and you haven’t fixed it by now, you probably aren’t going to. If this move is temporary, then maybe, maybe a storage locker is in order. But most often a storage locker is a damp and forgotten place where things go to rot and die, so when in doubt, get rid of it now. Plus the money you make selling the things you can’t use will help fray your moving costs.
5. Have the Right Supplies Close at Hand. Start with approximately 10-12 boxes in varying sizes and get more boxes as needed. Boxes, packing paper and tape are available either through your mover, or from your local moving and storage store. You’ll need a few small boxes for heavier items like books, but mostly you’ll want medium and large boxes. When you pack the kitchen you’ll also need 1 or 2 dish barrels. They’re sturdier and designed to protect glassware and fragile items. And when it’s time to pack coats and hanging items, you’ll need wardrobe boxes.
Other things you’ll need to have on hand for packing include gallon and sandwich-size freezer strength plastic, zipper-lock storage bags. I use them for everything from silverware to underwear to lose or liquid items like makeup and office supplies. You’ll need tons of extra strength garbage bags, markers, packing tape, scissors or a tape dispenser and lots and lots and lots of newspaper or packing paper. If you have a lot of fragile items, bubble wrap is great, too. Store these supplies in a place that is clean and dry and easy to access, but not under your feet. And designate and clear a place where the packed boxes will go.
If you’re not using a professional mover, you’ll also need a dolly, furniture pads (old blankets are great), and something to throw across the floor, especially if the weather doesn’t cooperate or you have hardwood you want to protect.
6. Line up help: whether or not you chose to use a professional mover, you’re still going to need help. And if no mover is involved, you’re going to need every able-bodied man and woman you can find. Schedule them now, before they put something else on their calendar.
- Arrange for babysitters
- Designate one person to go to the new home, well ahead of the movers. Ask her to take her cleaning products, including a vacuum cleaner and trash bags, just in case it’s not in move-in condition.
- Who will bring lunch? By the time the troops get to the new house, they’re going to need a break and something to eat.
- Designate another person to stay behind at the old house. Ask her to double check that all rooms (including porches, decks, out buildings, attics, and other less obviously places like inside the dryer) have been totally emptied. Ask her to bring her cleaning supplies and a few trash bags, and do the final vacuum, remove any leftover trash, and make sure the place is left in broom clean condition.
- Lineup that all-important person who’s going to disconnect and reconnect all that electronic equipment and have them bring their own tools. Also, try to schedule the cable guy to arrive late in the day, after the televisions are in place.
- Do you need someone to hang window treatments? Who will that be? He should also bring his own tools and a ladder. Have you premeasured the windows and purchased what you’ll need?
- In addition ask at least 2 more people to come equipped with an assortment of tools, a few extension cords, batteries for the smoke detectors, and make sure someone brings another step ladder.
7. Change your address: A postal address change will forward all regular mail. But that can take up to 10 additional days and forwarding is only good for six months. So things that come once a year, like your 1099, and other items that prohibit forwarding like vehicle registration, and drivers license renewal forms, will be returned to the sender. So, in addition to that generic Postal Change of Address that will catch anything you’ve missed, do your best to have all address change requests submitted at least ten days before you move. And don’t forget to notify your employer, your child’s school, your physician or any mail order items that come automatically, such as prescriptions, of your new address.
8. Schedule Utilities: You’ll need to turn on the utilities in your new place, and you’ll also need to terminate the ones in your existing home. If you don’t order final bills, and the new occupant doesn’t set up service, you could be held responsible for their charges. Also, avoid having utility service turned off, both at the address where you moving from and the one you’re moving to. It can be costly, damaging, and difficult to turn back on.
9. Plan and Pack for your NEW Home. Take photos or draw the kitchen cabinetry layout. Decide what will go into each cabinet, mark the location of dishes, glasses, etc on your photo or drawing, and pack your items according to where they will go in the new house, not where they are stored in your existing home.
Next get the room sizes, including locations for windows, doors, and closets and draw a simple sketch of each room in your new home using inexpensive graph paper. That way you can easily determine where furniture will be placed in advance. On moving day, give the sketches to the person who is going to the new house ahead of the moving team. Ask her to tape each sketch to a door or window or some other easy to see location in each room. That way one person can be putting away the items in your kitchen, while another can direct the heavy weights as to where to place that over-sized armoire you just couldn’t live without.
And make a list of any important items you will need to buy for the new house such as draperies, blinds, and shower curtains. Having these things with you on moving day will prevent unnecessary surprises.
10. Pack that “FIRST BOX TO OPEN”: Put one spare set of sheets for each bed in a box marked FIRST BOX TO OPEN. Keep the sheets clean by packing them separately in a plastic bag that is clearly marked: Terry’s room, etc. To this box also add one bath and one face towel for each family member, at least two rolls of toilet paper for each bathroom and other bathroom essentials such as shampoo, soaps, etc.
The morning of the move, have each family member strip his or her bed and place dirty sheets and any dirty clothes or towels in an empty laundry basket next to this box. Then each person should place all of his or her toiletries – separately packaged and clearly marked in a plastic zipper-type bag – inside this FIRST BOX TO OPEN. Each person should then put his or her pillow next to this box.
If possible this box, the laundry basket full of dirty items, and all the pillows should travel with you, in the back seat or trunk of your car. When unpacking, as soon as possible, make beds, and put away all the items in this box. You might think that sounds ridiculous, but I promise, this simple step will prove essential, later on, when you’re exhausted after a hard day of moving and all you want to do is brush your teeth, find your pillow, and climb into a freshly made bed.
Got a packing or moving tip you’d like to share?
Lesson #7: The Challenge of Writing Memoir
My sophomore book explores my turbulent second marriage. My husband of eight years chose his best friend, a man accused of possession of child pornography over me, a survivor of child sexual abuse. I found myself alone, surrounded by drug addiction, cancer, and death. My memoir is a story of understanding and acceptance, love and forgiveness, and most of all, survival.
Unlike my first non-fiction book, writing this story has, from the beginning, been a challenge. There are times when I doubt it will ever be finished. I am constantly asking myself, “What should I reveal.” “What should I withhold?” At times, I have doubted my memory and questioned that elusive, moving target of truth. I have even wondered if I should be writing it at all. Do I really want to spill my deepest secrets out onto the pavement, like dirty bath water, for the world to tromp through and criticize? Do I really want to reveal myself, forever on paper, as a far more flawed human being than most readers would ever dare to admit. But the greatest challenge I have faced in my attempt to write this Memoir, has been achieving the enlightenment.
Like many of you, I initially set out to write because I thought I had a prickly story to tell. One people would find captivating. One that could possibly help others. I also set out on this journey to understand what had happened to me, why, and, most of all, to learn from it in the hopes that I could prevent it from ever happening again.
Although Memoir reads like fiction, that is, quite possibly, where the similarity ends. Memoir isn’t just about telling a compelling true story – coming of age or overcoming adversity. It’s about examining the real, flawed and burdened human condition in its honest and most fragile state. Memoir is about making sense of the events and the characters with compassion and dignity and clarity. Memoir is about balancing the voice of the protagonist (you) caught in the turmoil and pain and tragedy of the moment, against the evolved narrator (still you) who has grown beyond that adversity, to see the deeper truth. It’s about sharing a true story without prejudice or pain, perhaps with humor, and most of all with understanding, love, and true compassion. Memoir is about evolution. Or as my title so clearly defines, it is about Making Sense of the Madness.
In one of the early chapters, my editor asked if there was an evolved narrator here. Obviously she was editing a less-enlightened section of the book. I answered her honestly, “I must write to be enlightened, I must be enlightened to write. Therein lies my quandary.” She said my answer was brilliant.
So, with her vote of confidence, as I go forward, I write to Make Sense of the Madness, and the more I discover, the more I write.
What part of writing Memoir is most challenging for you?
Originally uploaded by Lafayette.
Lesson #6: US vs. Canada for Gold
Lesson #4: The Iceman Cometh!
There are probably many questions running through your mind, like why, what do I do, and when is it ever going to end.
Well, it isn’t going to stop until the snow ceases to fall, and since it’s only mid-February, who knows when that will be. But, there are some things you need to know and some things you can do. This is how my husband, the builder, has explained it all to me.
The gutters freeze (yes they are almost always the culprit). The ice builds up on top of those frozen tunnels, grows backwards up the roof and gets under the shingles. This is called an ice dam. Then the cold snow acts as an insulator, trapping the ice between the warmth of the house and the cold temperatures outside. (Yes, believe it or not snow is an insulator.) So, the ice begins to melt.
Since it’s made its way underneath the shingles, with nowhere else to go, the water drips its pesky way, through your attic and onto your ceilings or down your walls, soaking drywall and insulation and wiring and everything in its path.
So, what should you do when you find that leak?
First of all, if you haven’t already done so, stop yelling, grab some towels and a bucket and get things under control. If it’s wet enough, pull back wet carpet, cut out and throw away wet padding. And no matter how bad it is, relocate furniture, electronics, pictures, and any other items that might get damaged by the water. Then, if you notice a few wets spots where the drywall (or drywall tape) is bubbling, use a screw driver or pointy knife, or some other sharp object and poke a hole all the way through the drywall. If the wet area is large enough, you might need to use a utility knife to cut away the bubbling drywall.
The hole(s) you make will give the water a directed outlet and keep it from running aimlessly across the top of the drywall and spreading the moisture. So, remember to place a bucket below the hole to catch any water that finds its way out.
Next place a fan, on the floor, facing up toward the opening and the leak. Turn it on low and let it run. The fan will circulate the warm air and help dry out the dampened area(s).
Okay, now that you’ve got things under control on the inside, you will need to get the snow and ice removed from your roof or deck or porch area above the leak. Problem areas often arise at seams and valleys, such as where two different roof peeks meet or where a deck meets the house. You can purchase a snow rake at your local hardware store which will allow you to pull the snow from the roof. Although the rake won’t remove the ice, it will expose it to the cold temperatures, hopefully causing it to refreeze. But even that will require you get up on a ladder. And the roof is steep and the ice is slick – so it might be wise to call a professional to help you with any roofing issues, even if it means you need to wait a day or two. And don’t just use anyone. Get a reference from a friend, family member or neighbor.
Unfortunately until we are through this very snowy winter, any time it snows you could see more water and will need to continue to remove the snow from your rooftop. So, once you find that reliable person, don’t lose his number!
Don’t make any repairs to the inside of your house until the wet weather has passed and you are absolutely sure everything is completely dry. Otherwise, you risk mold. And once you get that varmint, remediation is expensive and difficult and generally not covered under a homeowners insurance policy.
In the springtime, when you are certain no more snow will fly, but before the rains begin, you’ll need to have a certified roofer inspect the problem area to be sure there’s no permanent damage. Have him check the shingles, gutters and downspouts, and while he’s there ask him about your flashing and ice guard. This might be a good time to enhance both. Additionally, you might want to talk to him about removable gutters. My husband and I are looking into them as that’s where the problem begins!
Originally uploaded by limshouzhi
Lesson #3: Romantic Men!
On Saturday night, the eve of Valentine’s Day, rather than planning a romantic dinner at a crowded restaurant that would serve mass-produced food and over-priced wine, my husband and I decided to try something new. We shared our cupid celebration with two other, very close couples. We know these four people quite well. We belong to the same church, have traveled together, been snow bound together, and gotten more drunk in each other’s presence than we probably should have. Plus we’re all on our second marriages. Each couple has been together about the same number of years, and we all have children, step-children and grandchildren. So I thought we had much in common and few secrets. Still, in the interest of the romantic event, we decided to see how much we knew about each other and our partners. So we played the Newlywed game.
In case you’ve forgotten the object is to get your answers to match those of your spouse, which sometimes means responding the way you think he or she will. Unless, of course, your spouse thinks you’re going to answer they way he or she wants you too. Explaining that only further confused the husbands (and they were already a little drunk and pretty confused to begin with). Anyway, in honor of February 14th there were 14 questions that ranged from wedding dates to pet peeves, to most romantic and memorable moments.
The answers were hilarious and enlightening.
I learned who breaks wind, and who doesn’t finish sentences. Who interrupts her husband and which two men need driving lessons. I learned that my dear friend is obsessed with his landscaping, while his wife doesn’t pay much attention to important financial details. My friends learned that I’m over emotional (thanks to peri-menopause) and my husband does everything big – TOO BIG. If you knew him you’d understand – they did!
The most bold and daring admission was making love on the 50 yard line of Three Rivers Stadium (where the Pittsburgh Steelers used to play). Yet, a white water rafting trip that almost cost one couple their lives was a close second. The most insightful response came when a husband and wife both wrote that his greatest strength and greatest weakness was the same thing – his compassion. They seem to know each other the best.
I also learned that men don’t have a clue about the ages of their children or grandchildren, and, for them, dates in general were difficult. But it was the women who really failed the test. We all thought sex was what our husbands wanted most. But each man said he most wanted his wife’s love and acceptance. How romantic!
If you’d like to play the game, Valentine’s Day or not – here are the 14 questions we used.
- Where and when will your husband say the two of you first met and who (or what) brought you together.
- What will your wife say first attracted her to you
- What will your husband say was the day and date you were married.
- What is your wife’s greatest strength and greatest weakness
- What is your husband’s greatest strength and greatest weakness
- What are the ages of all your children and grandchildren
- What will your husband say is your favorite: Movie, Food, Beverage, Book, and Color
- What 3 things about your husband drive you crazy:
- What 3 things about your wife say drive you crazy
- What does your husband most want you to do
- What does your wife most want you to do
- What will your wife say was your most romantic moment
- What will your husband say is the sexiest thing you have ever worn
- What is the most bold and daring thing you two have ever done together
Lesson #2: Is It Really That Bad?
As I emerged, dressed and ready to get to work, I found water dripping through the family room ceiling, onto the hardwood floor. There was a leak.
For most of you that probably wouldn’t elicit panic and fear, but in me it does.
A few years ago we had a flood. “Water cascaded down the steps and out the front door. Ceilings caved in, drywall buckled and crumbled away from the walls, and a continuous wave of water shot across the second floor loft and through the banister, splashing down onto our family room hardwood floor – our own waterfall. Light fixtures, wall switches, electrical outlets, and duct work became outlets through which water poured, collecting on floors and countertops, puddling on beds. The champagne carpet curdled, the oak hardwood bubbled, and on every floor, expensive wood furniture wicked up moisture like a thirsty camel. The tiny drain in the center of the game room floor, buried deep beneath the thick carpet and dense pad, slowly sifted through eight inches of standing water.
It was not a fire, although the smoke alarms blared. A broken sprinkler pipe, in the attic over my son’s room, pumped water at 120 pounds of pressure per minute for about six hours. No one was home. Christopher was settled into his apartment and his junior year at Slippery Rock University, a little over an hour away. Jack and I had been out of the house all day working.” (Excerpt from Making Sense of the Madness, my upcoming Memoir)
Our house was uninhabitable.
So today, all I could think was here we go again, and immediately grew weak. But then, as I grabbed the phone intending to fire off a 911 text to my husband, I saw the time. I stopped. At that very moment, my dear friend was lying on a bed at the Hillman Cancer Institute with an IV pumping Chemo through the port in her chest.
Indrani has Stage Four Uterine Cancer – her second recurrence in 18 months. There can be no more surgery. It seems three is the max. And she is one of the unfortunate people to have had more than one bout of primary cancer. Four years ago, she was diagnosed with Stage Two Breast Cancer. At 42, with a beautiful and brilliant 13 year old, my friend is fighting for her life and praying to live just long enough to see her daughter go off to college.
So I asked myself, “Is it really that bad?” No. It’s not a major flood, just a steady drip, probably from some ice that can easily be removed from the roof. And I reminded myself of what’s really important. I’m healthy and so is everyone in my family. I’ll bet Indrani would give anything to exchange her cancer for my leak. And I ask those of you who have been living without electricity or cable or phone service , or with any of the other minor inconveniences this record-breaking snowfall has dumped on us, “Is it really that bad?”
Despair (#1-2)
Originally uploaded by Lafayette.
Lesson #1: Pedophiles Confess Sins & Reveal Secrets
I never thought for a minute that I’d shoot out of the starting gate with such a sensitive and serious topic. But when I saw the Oprah show on Monday, February 8th, I just couldn’t walk by something so dear to my heart and so essential to the safety of all children. 
Oprah had pedophiles confess their sins and reveal their secrets. It was riveting and eye opening. One described how he got away with raping young teenage girls by telling them he loved them. Another molested a five year old while endearing her with “grandfatherly” love. A third told how he couldn’t stop touching his daughter while she slept, even after she asked him to. And another candidly described how as a pre-teen boy he began to manipulate an emotionally starved child and molest her – first by looking, and then by touching, and then by raping her, from the time she was little until she was seventeen years old.
Two of the children found the courage to tell, but when confronted, both molesters denied the accusations and explained away the child’s “confusion”. Shockingly, in both cases, even after being so close to getting caught, the abuse continued – with what appeared to be renewed vigilance and heightened confidence. When asked, all agreed they would never have stopped.
I know how their victims felt, because I was one of those children. Many years later, after the supressed memories surfaced and I found a way to heal, I wanted to make a difference and began volunteering at Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh Child Advocacy. There I met hundreds of kids whose lives, like mine, were forever altered. But no matter what I endured or how many kids I encountered, nothing could have prepared me for the day a ten year old boy entered for his forensic interview. What made his story so much more tragic was that, this time, he wasn’t the victim. Having been sexually abused for years, he lashed out, raping his five year old sister.
That day I realized, for me, volunteering came much too late. That day I set out to find a more effective education, prevention, and intervention tool, and my book, Kids Helping Kids Break the Silence of Sexual Abuse, was born.
I have traveled the country, sharing my story, speaking about my book, and the many things I have learned about predators, child sexual abuse, and recovery. Here is some basic information all parents need to know, and a few easy tips to assure that your child won’t have to endure the same “hard knocks” lesson I did.
A sexual predator can be anyone, male or female. Usually it’s someone who has exposure to children, a teacher, minister, coach, youth leader, group leader, babysitter, trusted friend, neighbor, but often it’s a family member. So although substance abuse does increase the risks, sexual abuse crosses all socio-economic, racial, and religious lines. And 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 7 boys will be molested. That’s an alarming statistic.
Because sexual abuse is a crime of manipulation and intimacy, the “Stranger Dangers” we teach our children don’t apply. Pedophiles know their victims. They have opportunity to be alone with a child, and slowly and methodically, over time, develop the child’s trust. (Sometimes a pedophile even garners the trust of the child’s parent.) And when the opportunity arises, when the pedophile is alone with the child he doesn’t hesitate. Would your child know what to do? Do you?
- Watch out Anytime anyone refuses to let a child set his/her own limits
- Anytime anyone insists on hugging, touching, kissing, tickling, wrestling with a child, particularly if the child doesn’t want this affection
- Anytime anyone is overly interested in the sexuality of a child or teen
- Anytime anyone spends a lot of time alone or insists on time alone with a child
- Anytime anyone spends most of his/her spare time with kids
- Anytime anyone has little interest in spending time with people his/her own age
- Anytime anyone regularly offers to babysit for free
- Anytime anyone regularly buys a child gifts, or give them money for no particular reason
- Anytime anyone takes a child special places, particularly overnight
- Anytime anyone walks in on kids/teens in the bathroom
- Anytime anyone allows kids/teens to get away with inappropriate or “adult only” activities
- Always MAKE TIME for your children, read to them, play with them, talk to them.
- HUG YOUR CHILDREN but NEVER force them to hug or kiss you or anyone else.
- Tell them you LOVE them OFTEN.
- SHOW your child he/she is important to you.
- LISTEN to your child.
- BE INVOLVED with your children’s friends. Know who they play with, what they like to do, where they play, who’s around when they are playing.
- PARTICIPATE in school and after school activities. Know the adults responsible for organizing these activities.
- Randomly CHECK-IN, unannounced, on sitters and other adults involved with your kids.
- KEEP AN EYE ON INTERNET ACTIVITY. The Internet is a DANGEROUS PLACE. Children are easily lured by strangers on the net.
- PAY ATTENTION to changes in behavior – it’s an easy way for children to signal that something isn’t right and it’s more likely that your child will SHOW you something is wrong rather than tell you.
- NEVER ASSUME your child is fine. Ask him or her OFTEN and LISTEN.
- The difference between safe and unsafe touches.
- That sexual abusers can be women or men, boys or girls.
- That sexual abuse can be touching or non-touching, watching a movie, looking at pictures, or taking pictures of your child.
- That sexual abuse happens to boys and girl
- That sexual abuse does not have to hurt.
- That sexual abusers trick and force children into sexual activity.
- That sexual abusers say lots of things to silence children – they might even say I love you.
- The proper names for all body parts, so they will be able to communicate clearly.
- Their body belongs only to them and nobody has the right to touch or hurt them – EVER.
- Safety Rules apply to all adults and children, not just strangers.
- It’s okay to say “no” to requests that make them feel uncomfortable.
- A safety plan they can easily follow.
- To report to you if anyone asks them to keep a secret.
- Show your children that you will believe and protect them if they tell you about abuse.
- They are not bad and they will NEVER be blamed for sexual abuse.
- Teach Your Children that sexual abuse is NEVER the child’s fault.
I hope this article has helped you and I hope you will pass it along to everyone you know who has, cares about, or works with kids. Together we can make it a safer world for all children.
For more information send me a comment or click on the topic of interest. What Sexual Abuse Is, What To Do If You Suspect Abuse, or Warning Signs to Watch For
Click here to get a copy of Kids Helping Kids Break the Silence of Sexual Abuse and let the true stories of child survivors help you teach your child how to stay safe.
Hard Knocks & High Heels
This blog came to me, as most inspiration does, in the middle of the night. Although the name might make you wonder if it’s being shared by two people with extreme personalities. It’s just me, and of course, all of you. And if the title speaks to you then we’re probably not at all polar. Although maybe I should have named it High Heels and Hard Knocks because my heels have been on long before any of the lessons were learned.
At 5’ tall (okay, I’m really only 4’11½”) except for my walking shoes which remain as bright-white and scuff free as the day I pulled them from the box, and the Uggs^ my daughter bought me because I wasn’t safe in the snow or fashionable, every one of the 36 pair of shoes neatly stacked, and not so neatly tossed in my closet (no I didn’t count, I’m guessing) all have heels. And I don’t mean wimpy grandma-heels either. My shoes are often pointy, sometimes with platforms, but always atop four or five inch spikes. Many have warned that someday those crazy heels will cripple my toes, weaken my legs and put undo stress on my back, but since I need them to reach things like my coffee cup on the second shelf of the kitchen cabinet, I’ve decided to take my chances.
Most growth doesn’t come from a text book or a classroom. As you’ve probably already guessed, mine definitely hasn’t. In fact I never finished college and flunked every creative writing course I ever took. Still somehow I’ve managed a successful career, raised four accomplished kids (all with college degrees), published a book, and now I’m hard at work on a second manuscript, Making Sense of the Madness, a Memoir about a brief but thorny episode I’m hoping to learn from and never again repeat. (Imagine that!) I owe my writing achievements, to the cruel college professor who once said, “You’ll never publish anything,” which, of course, made me determined to prove her wrong. Has anyone ever motivated you by insisting you were incapable?
Like the day that teacher tried to squash my writing dreams, which felt more like I had just stepped, without looking, into oncoming traffic (or had been pushed), all my wisdom and maturity seems to have come when I was least expecting it, overly focused on myself, or simply not paying attention to the big stuff. And like that painful day when I trudged home with my first failing grade and the feeling of hopelessness tucked securely under my arm, the benefits have always arrived in the aftermath of brush burns, bruises, and lots and lots and lots of tears.
I’ve had to endure many difficult and sometimes painful experiences to grow into the stronger, wiser, more compassionate person I’ve become. And I suppose it’s going to take a lot more ice packs and aspirin before I become the person I really want to be (or give any consideration to trashing those heels). Oh well, more to write about.
In the meantime, as I nervously await all that anticipated emotional growth, I thought maybe I could share some of the triumphs, tragedies, and valuable payoffs I’ve already discovered the hard knocks way – yes, all while wearing those spiked high heels. And maybe that would help you avoid making some of my mistakes.
But more than that, I was hoping you’d share some of your life lessons and help me avoid making your mistakes, too – even if you didn’t learn through hard knocks, even if you don’t own a single pair of high heels!
So please, no matter what’s on your feet, tell me about the time you were told you weren’t good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, and how it motivated you. Or tell me about another life lesson you’ve learned.
High Heels Varnish black Originally uploaded by Markusram
