Hard Knocks & High Heels

It’s spring now!
Originally uploaded by manganite

No matter how cold the season,

How deep the snow,

How long the winter,

Spring always comes.

No matter what you’re going through,

No matter How Rough,

No matter How Long,

Hold on…

The tulips will bloom,

The birds will return,

The sun will again shine,

Spring Alway Comes!

What is Sexual Abuse:

Sexual abuse happens anytime a child is asked, tricked, or forced by someone who is bigger, stronger, or older, or by someone who has some power over him/her. The abuser will want the child to do “secret” non-touching or “secret” touching activities that involve the child’s private parts, the abuser’s private parts, or the private parts of someone else.

The child will often feel the urge to tell, but he or she knows it’s a secret – not a fun secret that makes him/her happy and excited to keep. It’s a scary secret, one the child is afraid to tell, one that gives the child that funny feeling, like butterflies, in his or her stomach.

And although most people automatically think of abuse as “touching”, which it is, there are also “non-touching” forms of sexual abuse, too.

Non-Touching Sexual Abuse

Non-touching behavior occurs anytime someone shows a child movies, pictures or Internet sites with pornography. It also happens if someone exposes his/her private body parts to a child.

Non-touching behaviors also occur if someone asks a child to pose for a picture without clothes or in a sexual way that makes a child feel uncomfortable, or if someone takes a child’s picture while he or she is doing something sexual or using the bathroom. The abuser might encourage the child to watch or listen to people who are engaging in sexual acts. Or an abuser might want to watch the child undress or bathe.

Sexual harassment is also a form of sexual abuse. Someone might tease a child or cause the child to have uncomfortable feelings about his/her body or certain clothes, or the abuser might call a child bad names like ho, slut, bitch, or fag. The child might be scared to tell on the bully, or the child might want the abuser to think he or she can “take it.”

Touching Sexual Abuse

Sexually abusive touching behaviors happen when someone touches the private parts of a child’s body, over or under his/her clothes or makes the child touch their body. It also happens if an abuser put any part of his/her body on or in any part of a child’s body. The abuser might use their fingers, tongue or their private parts. Another form of touching sexual abuse occurs if someone puts any foreign object into a child’s body, like soap or the handle of a hairbrush, or crayons.

And any time someone is forced to have sexual intercourse, whether the person is an acquaintance or not, even if it was a consensual date, that’s rape. Rape also happens if the ability to say “NO” has been taken away because a person is unconscious or drugged. If a Date Rape Drug is slipped into a drink, that person will not know what’s happening. He or she will not be able to protect him/herself, and will not be able to say “NO” to unwanted sexual advances. That’s rape.

If you are Unsure or If You Suspect Abuse:

• Keep calm. Never panic or overreact.
• Believe the child. Never doubt the child.
• Reassure the child. Never blame the child.
• Listen to and answer the child’s questions honestly.
• Never pressure the child to talk or avoid talking about the abuse.
• Respect the child’s privacy. Never discuss the abuse in front of unnecessary people.
• Never confront the offender.
• Report the abuse immediately.

To Report Child Sexual Abuse

Call your local police, Child Protective Services, Child Advocacy Center, or Sexual Assault Crisis Center.

For the center closest to you, call:

The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)

800-656-4673

www.rainn.org

The National Child Abuse Hotline

800-422-4453

The National Victim Center

800-394-2255

In the greater Pittsburgh, PA area, call: 

Pittsburgh Action Against Rape
19th Street
Pittsburgh, PA 15203
866-END-RAPE (1-866-363-7273)
412-431-5665
www.PAAR.net

Center for Victims of Violent Crime
900 Fifth Avenue
Pittsburgh, PA 15222
www.cvvc.org

Family Resources of Pittsburgh
South Highland Avenue
Pittsburgh, PA

Main Number: 412-363-1702

Parenting WARMLINE Numbers:

Within Allegheny County: 412-641-4546 or 1-877-WARMLYN

Outside Allegheny County: 800-641-4546

info@familyresourcesofpa.org

Parenting WARMLINE email: warmline@familyresourcesofpa.org

Originally uploaded by Beche-la-mer

Uploaded by Beche-la-mer on 23 Apr 07, 3.31AM PDT.

You’ve bought a new house or found a new apartment. How exciting, but don’t under estimate the amount of work and extreme stress you are about to face.  

I’ve had the great pleasure of moving 9 times in 10 years, or was it 10 times in 9 years? Either way it’s a bit of a blur (not that I’m complaining). Married to a builder, I’ve learned these 10 essential moving tricks to survive this unavoidable industry hazard. Maybe they can help you survive your upcoming move, too!

1. Get started the minute you know you’re moving. It takes more time to organize, clean out, and pack than you think. So don’t waste one valuable second – get started now! Take the number of rooms divided by the number of weeks until the big day. That’s how many rooms you have to pack each week.

2. Know the terms and conditions of your lease or Sales Agreement. Be sure you meet all move-out requirements. If you’re renting, understand what you need to do to get your security deposit refunded. Most leases require a tenant vacate by 5:00 pm on the last day of the lease. When selling a home, unless other arrangements have been previously made, the owner is expected to turn over the keys at the time of settlement, so plan to be out of your property at that time. In addition, many leases and some contracts for sale require professional carpet and/or professional household cleaning to be performed when you vacate the premises. Since the new person is probably moving in the day after you move out, there’s little room for error. So schedule any required cleaning now.

3. Get organized and Stay Organized: Sort through that pile you’ve been meaning to get to, organize and put everything away, clothing, shoes, toys (make sure you have all the pieces), and you’ll even need to find the matching lids for all that Tupperware. If you have too much to fit into that toy box or the closet or drawer you’ve designated, or if any of the pieces are missing, guess what? You got it, go to step 4.

4. Give Away, Throw Away, Sell anything you don’t need, or can’t fit comfortably in the new place. In addition, if something is broken and you haven’t fixed it by now, you probably aren’t going to. If this move is temporary, then maybe, maybe a storage locker is in order. But most often a storage locker is a damp and forgotten place where things go to rot and die, so when in doubt, get rid of it now. Plus the money you make selling the things you can’t use will help fray your moving costs. 

5. Have the Right Supplies Close at Hand. Start with approximately 10-12 boxes in varying sizes and get more boxes as needed. Boxes, packing paper and tape are available either through your mover, or from your local moving and storage store. You’ll need a few small boxes for heavier items like books, but mostly you’ll want medium and large boxes. When you pack the kitchen you’ll also need 1 or 2 dish barrels. They’re sturdier and designed to protect glassware and fragile items. And when it’s time to pack coats and hanging items, you’ll need wardrobe boxes.

Other things you’ll need to have on hand for packing include gallon and sandwich-size freezer strength plastic, zipper-lock storage bags. I use them for everything from silverware to underwear to lose or liquid items like makeup and office supplies. You’ll need tons of extra strength garbage bags, markers, packing tape, scissors or a tape dispenser and lots and lots and lots of newspaper or packing paper. If you have a lot of fragile items, bubble wrap is great, too. Store these supplies in a place that is clean and dry and easy to access, but not under your feet.  And designate and clear a place where the packed boxes will go.

If you’re not using a professional mover, you’ll also need a dolly, furniture pads (old blankets are great), and something to throw across the floor, especially if the weather doesn’t cooperate or you have hardwood you want to protect.

6. Line up help:  whether or not you chose to use a professional mover, you’re still going to need help. And if no mover is involved, you’re going to need every able-bodied man and woman you can find.  Schedule them now, before they put something else on their calendar.

• Arrange for babysitters
• Designate one person to go to the new home, well ahead of the movers. Ask her to take her cleaning products, including a vacuum cleaner and trash bags, just in case it’s not in move-in condition.
• Who will bring lunch? By the time the troops get to the new house, they’re going to need a break and something to eat.
• Designate another person to stay behind at the old house. Ask her to double check that all rooms (including porches, decks, out buildings, attics, and other less obviously places like inside the dryer) have been totally emptied. Ask her to bring her cleaning supplies and a few trash bags, and do the final vacuum, remove any leftover trash, and make sure the place is left in broom clean condition.
• Lineup that all-important person who’s going to disconnect and reconnect all that electronic equipment and have them bring their own tools. Also, try to schedule the cable guy to arrive late in the day, after the televisions are in place.
• Do you need someone to hang window treatments? Who will that be? He should also bring his own tools and a ladder. Have you premeasured the windows and purchased what you’ll need?
• In addition ask at least 2 more people to come equipped with an assortment of tools, a few extension cords, batteries for the smoke detectors, and make sure someone brings another step ladder.

7. Change your address:  A postal address change will forward all regular mail. But that can take up to 10 additional days and forwarding is only good for six months. So things that come once a year, like your 1099, and other items that prohibit forwarding like vehicle registration, and drivers license renewal forms, will be returned to the sender. So, in addition to that generic Postal Change of Address that will catch anything you’ve missed, do your best to have all address change requests submitted at least ten days before you move. And don’t forget to notify your employer, your child’s school, your physician or any mail order items that come automatically, such as prescriptions, of your new address.

8. Schedule Utilities: You’ll need to turn on the utilities in your new place, and you’ll also need to terminate the ones in your existing home. If you don’t order final bills, and the new occupant doesn’t set up service, you could be held responsible for their charges. Also, avoid having utility service turned off, both at the address where you moving from and the one you’re moving to. It can be costly, damaging, and difficult to turn back on.

9. Plan and Pack for your NEW Home. Take photos or draw the kitchen cabinetry layout. Decide what will go into each cabinet, mark the location of dishes, glasses, etc on your photo or drawing, and pack your items according to where they will go in the new house, not where they are stored in your existing home.

Next get the room sizes, including locations for windows, doors, and closets and draw a simple sketch of each room in your new home using inexpensive graph paper. That way you can easily determine where furniture will be placed in advance. On moving day, give the sketches to the person who is going to the new house ahead of the moving team. Ask her to tape each sketch to a door or window or some other easy to see location in each room. That way one person can be putting away the items in your kitchen, while another can direct the heavy weights as to where to place that over-sized armoire you just couldn’t live without.

And make a list of any important items you will need to buy for the new house such as draperies, blinds, and shower curtains. Having these things with you on moving day will prevent unnecessary surprises.

10. Pack that “FIRST BOX TO OPEN”: Put one spare set of sheets for each bed in a box marked FIRST BOX TO OPEN. Keep the sheets clean by packing them separately in a plastic bag that is clearly marked: Terry’s room, etc. To this box also add one bath and one face towel for each family member, at least two rolls of toilet paper for each bathroom and other bathroom essentials such as shampoo, soaps, etc.

The morning of the move, have each family member strip his or her bed and place dirty sheets and any dirty clothes or towels in an empty laundry basket next to this box. Then each person should place all of his or her toiletries – separately packaged and clearly marked in a plastic zipper-type bag – inside this FIRST BOX TO OPEN. Each person should then put his or her pillow next to this box.

If possible this box, the laundry basket full of dirty items, and all the pillows should travel with you, in the back seat or trunk of your car. When unpacking, as soon as possible, make beds, and put away all the items in this box. You might think that sounds ridiculous, but I promise, this simple step will prove essential, later on, when you’re exhausted after a hard day of moving and all you want to do is brush your teeth, find your pillow, and climb into a freshly made bed.

Got a packing  or moving tip you’d like to share?

My sophomore book explores my turbulent second marriage. My husband of eight years chose his best friend, a man accused of possession of child pornography over me, a survivor of child sexual abuse. I found myself alone, surrounded by drug addiction, cancer, and death. My memoir is a story of understanding and acceptance, love and forgiveness, and most of all, survival. 

Unlike my first non-fiction book, writing this story has, from the beginning, been a challenge. There are times when I doubt it will ever be finished. I am constantly asking myself, “What should I reveal.”  “What should I withhold?” At times, I have doubted my memory and questioned that elusive, moving target of truth. I have even wondered if I should be writing it at all. Do I really want to spill my deepest secrets out onto the pavement, like dirty bath water, for the world to tromp through and criticize? Do I really want to reveal myself, forever on paper, as a far more flawed human being than most readers would ever dare to admit. But the greatest challenge I have faced in my attempt to write this Memoir, has been achieving the enlightenment.

Like many of you, I initially set out to write because I thought I had a prickly story to tell. One people would find captivating. One that could possibly help others. I also set out on this journey to understand what had happened to me, why, and, most of all, to learn from it in the hopes that I could prevent it from ever happening again.

Although Memoir reads like fiction, that is, quite possibly, where the similarity ends. Memoir isn’t just about telling a compelling true story – coming of age or overcoming adversity. It’s about examining the real, flawed and burdened human condition in its honest and most fragile state. Memoir is about making sense of the events and the characters with compassion and dignity and clarity. Memoir is about balancing the voice of the protagonist (you) caught in the turmoil and pain and tragedy of the moment, against the evolved narrator (still you) who has grown beyond that adversity, to see the deeper truth. It’s about sharing a true story without prejudice or pain, perhaps with humor, and most of all with understanding, love, and true compassion. Memoir is about evolution.  Or as my title so clearly defines, it is about Making Sense of the Madness.

In one of the early chapters, my editor asked if there was an evolved narrator here. Obviously she was editing a less-enlightened section of the book. I answered her honestly, “I must write to be enlightened, I must be enlightened to write. Therein lies my quandary.” She said my answer was brilliant.

So, with her vote of confidence, as I go forward, I write to Make Sense of the Madness, and the more I discover, the more I write.

What part of writing Memoir is most challenging for you?

Embrace My Madness

Originally uploaded by Lafayette.

For the First-timer Or Anyone Looking for a Home in this Volatile Market-

With interest rates and housing prices at an all time low, foreclosures on every corner, and government incentives about to end, you (or someone you know) might be looking to buy a home. How exciting! But, in this market, no one can afford a home-buying  mistake.

Although this article is especially designed to help those first time buyers new to the process, these five essential tips will ensure everyone a successful home-buying experience.

1) Work with a Full-Time Licensed Realtor

Real estate agents have training and experience with all types of homes including condos, co-ops. short sales and foreclosures. And they understand various forms of mortgages, including FHS, VA, Conventional, and HELOC’s. Agents follow trends in the market and can highlight the differences between competing neighborhoods. They can also connect you with reliable specialists, like home, pest and radon inspectors, as well as mortgage lenders and closing officers. Plus agents have access to thousands of available homes through the Multiple Listing Services in your area.

In addition, your agent has been trained in negotiating techniques, and will be there for you when a problem arises. I’ve been in real estate since 1986 (in one form or another) and have never once seen a deal that didn’t depend on the outstanding negotiation skills of an experienced agent. And I’ve never had a closing without at least one tiny issue going awry. Buying isn’t as easy as some might think. A good agent definitely earns his or her commission.

But the best news is buyers don’t pay for all that expertise. That’s right. The seller pays the commission. Real estate practices vary from area to area, and ALL things in real estate are negotiable (yes EVERYTHING) but generally it doesn’t cost the buyer a cent to benefit from the knowledge and expertise of a well-qualified, licensed real estate agent. And the agent you hire works for you. So why not hire one!  (If an agent is working for both you and the seller, that’s called Dual Agency and it must be disclosed up front.)

On the other hand, keep in mind the agent who initially shows you the property is the one generally entitled to the commission. So before you start wandering aimlessly through open houses, interview perspective agents and select one you like and trust. Here are five questions to help you decide if an agent is right for you:    

*What do you do better than other real estate agents?

*How will you help me find the right home for my wants and needs?

*What are the most common things that go wrong and how do you solve them?

*What are some of the mistakes people make when buying their first home?

*Can you provide me with references or testimonials from recent clients?

2) Location, Location, Location

I’m sure you’ve heard this mantra before. Don’t underestimate its worth. Research all the areas where you might want to live. Weigh the pros and cons. But always choose a neighborhood that’s up and coming or, over time, has held its value. Although most real estate has recently adjusted, some areas hold their values better than others. You don’t want to invest your hard earned money in a location that’s declining. And you definitely don’t want to get stuck with a home you can’t resell.

3) Know What you can Afford and Stick to your Budget!

Don’t let buying become an emotional decision. NEVER buy something you can’t afford just because you were swept away by someone’s furniture or decor. Meet with your agent and a reputable mortgage lender (or 2), in advance, get pre-qualified (which will also make you a stronger buyer), and understand all the costs associated with buying a home and buy what you can comfortably afford.  Here are some buying costs you want to investigate.

The 28/36 approval ratio (often called front end and back end ratios) means your house payment, principal, interest, taxes and insurance (PITI) shouldn’t exceed 28% of your gross monthly income, while your back end ratio, PITI plus fixed debts, school loans, car payments, and 10% of total credit card balances, shouldn’t exceed 35%.

Closing costs and pre-paids. Closing costs are the one-time costs associated with the purchase of your home. These expenses vary geographically and can include appraisal reports, surveys, credit reports, title insurance and other expenses associated with a mortgage or home purchase. Prepaids are collected to set up an escrow (savings) account so that when taxes and insurance bills come due your mortgage company will have enough money to pay them for you. If your escrow account is short (under), you’ll usually have the choice to write a check for the full amount or have your mortgage payment increased. If your escrow account is over, you can allow the money to sit there or have it refunded. Since escrow accounts generally pay little or no interest, I suggest having it refunded.

PMI (Private Mortgage Insurance) is another purchasing expense you should understand. If your down payment is less than 20%, in most cases, you’ll be charged a one-time PMI fee, plus ongoing monthly fee until your home appreciates or the principal mortgage balance dips below 20%.  At that time the PMI doesn’t automatically fall off your payment. You must contact your mortgage company and take whatever steps necessary, like another costly appraisal, to have it removed. If you can, avoid this expense from the get go.

4) It’s not the Purchase it’s the Carry

Besides knowing the cost of purchasing a home, understand the ongoing costs of ownership. For example if you’re considering a home with lots of open spaces and high ceilings, your heating bills might be higher than average. If you’ve fallen in love with an older home, you might need to set money aside for future repairs to expensive mechanicals or structural items like furnace, roof, or wiring. If you don’t know those costs, don’t guess, you can always get an estimate from a reputable contractor or ask the current homeowner for copies of his  or her utility bills.

In addition, some communities have trash removal or monthly homeowner fees, while others don’t. Some have significantly higher taxes than others do, too. Gather all the facts on every property you’re considering. List them in a spread sheet, one column for each home. This will give you anticipated monthly ownership expenses and make properties easy to compare.

5) In the end, it’s all about what you want and need in a home

So make a list of the ten things most important to you. Decide which are deal-breakers, and rank items from most important to least. Don’t forget about curb appeal, structural integrity, and resale value. Make your decision based on facts, not fears or emotions. You probably won’t get all ten, but if you get seven, including your deal-breakers, you’re doing great.

If you’re looking to move, tell me about your top three deal breakers. If you’re selling, tell me what’s the best feature of your home.  And, If you’re an agent, tell me what sets you apart.

Part two of this article will guide you on what to do (and what to include in the contract) once you find your dream home.

There are probably many questions running through your mind, like why, what do I do, and when is it ever going to end. 

Well, it isn’t going to stop until the snow ceases to fall, and since it’s only mid-February, who knows when that will be. But, there are some things you need to know and some things you can do. This is how my husband, the builder, has explained it all to me.

The gutters freeze (yes they are almost always the culprit). The ice builds up on top of those frozen tunnels, grows backwards up the roof and gets under the shingles. This is called an ice dam. Then the cold snow acts as an insulator, trapping the ice between the warmth of the house and the cold temperatures outside. (Yes, believe it or not snow is an insulator.) So, the ice begins to melt.

Since it’s made its way underneath the shingles, with nowhere else to go, the water drips its pesky way, through your attic and onto your ceilings or down your walls, soaking drywall and insulation and wiring and everything in its path.

So, what should you do when you find that leak?

First of all, if you haven’t already done so, stop yelling, grab some towels and a bucket and get things under control. If it’s wet enough, pull back wet carpet, cut out and throw away wet padding. And no matter how bad it is, relocate furniture, electronics, pictures, and any other items that might get damaged by the water. Then, if you notice a few wets spots where the drywall (or drywall tape) is bubbling, use a screw driver or pointy knife, or some other sharp object and poke a hole all the way through the drywall. If the wet area is large enough, you might need to use a utility knife to cut away the bubbling drywall.

The hole(s) you make will give the water a directed outlet and keep it from running aimlessly across the top of the drywall and spreading the moisture. So, remember to place a bucket below the hole to catch any water that finds its way out.

Next place a fan, on the floor, facing up toward the opening and the leak. Turn it on low and let it run. The fan will circulate the warm air and help dry out the dampened area(s).

Okay, now that you’ve got things under control on the inside, you will need to get the snow and ice removed from your roof or deck or porch area above the leak. Problem areas often arise at seams and valleys, such as where two different roof peeks meet or where a deck meets the house. You can purchase a snow rake at your local hardware store which will allow you to pull the snow from the roof. Although the rake won’t remove the ice, it will expose it to the cold temperatures, hopefully causing it to refreeze. But even that will require you get up on a ladder. And the roof is steep and the ice is slick – so it might be wise  to call a professional to help you with any roofing issues, even if it means you need to wait a day or two. And don’t just use anyone. Get a reference from a friend, family member or neighbor.

Unfortunately until we are through this very snowy winter, any time it snows you could see more water and will need to continue to remove the snow from your rooftop. So, once you find that reliable person, don’t lose his number!

Don’t make any repairs to the inside of your house until the wet weather has passed and you are absolutely sure everything is completely dry. Otherwise, you risk mold. And once you get that varmint, remediation is expensive and difficult and generally not covered under a homeowners insurance policy.

In the springtime, when you are certain no more snow will fly, but before the rains begin, you’ll need to have a certified roofer inspect the problem area to be sure there’s no permanent damage. Have him check the shingles, gutters and downspouts, and while he’s there ask him about your flashing and ice guard. This might be a good time to enhance both. Additionally, you might want to talk to him about removable gutters. My husband and I are looking into them as that’s where the problem begins!

Ice Cycle

Originally uploaded by limshouzhi